Hello. I like cute girls doing cute things and lolis. Nice to meet you.|
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Title copied from last year (works well enough for what it is, may as well use it annually I suppose), oops.
This is a bit personal, so feel free to skip. It’s more for me than for others.
Every year I say this but I had a lot of growing up to do, even though I thought I’d grown up a bit already! But this year, too, there was a lot of growing up to do. I had some family problems (namely health issues) which led to financial problems (since we didn’t have any safety net or anything, having not been financially stable before anyways), which led to school problems, which…led to here, I guess? NEETdom, more or less, which resulted in a lotta free time on my hands. And that free time lent itself towards a lotta thinking.
I used to always think of my life as out of my control, if that makes sense. A lot of decisions in my life were ones made without me, and I think that gave fruit to a general sense of aimlessness. I didn’t really know what I wanted for myself, it was always what was best for my family or what I believed to be the right thing. I don’t think that’s wrong or bad, necessarily, but it didn’t really help at all with knowing what direction I wanted to go into. Really the only thing I feel totally in control of is my drawings, and I’m happy for that, but sadly they aren’t my entire life. I am still not really sure where I want to go from here. I always just imagined I’d sort of trudge along through the general path of things, graduate from uni and get a job and work and get a home and a family and then one day retire. But I don’t think that’s a possibility for me, and I’m not entirely sure if it ever was feasible. I’m too dependent on my family (and, funnily enough, they on I) and I don’t think that’s very conducive to the typical American lifestyle of freedom!!!!11!! and independence!!!!!!1!!11! that is emphasized in this period of life. My dream was always to move out at 18 and run away to art school, but a year later and I’m a NEET who’s pretty lost and the weirdest part is that I’m okay with it. Just odd stuff, I guess, figuring out where I am and where I’m going.
I’m having trouble reconciling the feeling of being a kid still and realizing wait, I’m an adult (or close enough I guess?). I can buy porn, and smokes, and I can go out and do adult things. I’m a freaking adult. It’s really surreal, and while I had a similar revelation last year, I guess I just never realized the extent of adulthood that looms ahead…scary. A lot of times I want to just lay down and do nothing, or draw, or go moe moe kyun over muh chinese cartoons but I just…can’t. I gotta do things, I gotta clean, I gotta cook. I don’t know how to feel about this yet. I honestly would be ok being a housewife(husband?), though, I think. But I don’t know if that’s something that is for me. Also been thinking about moving back to my hometown. Lots of thoughts, I guess.
Anyhow! I regret some stuff a bit (though trying to just move on, last thing I want is regret weighing me down) and I sorta wish I had been more honest with people I care/d about in the past year. Loads of ups and downs for sure. That said, I think I grew a bit from it. I learned about myself (both good and bad things) and that kinda knowledge helps me grow both as a person and as a friend/son/partner/etc. It’s a net gain in the end, even if right now it feels like a loss.
In regards to drawing, I think I’ve really not progressed on my resolutions from last year, which is a real shame. I feel sort of guilty that I didn’t work more towards them, but in all honesty, I forgot some of them lol…and in terms of overall improvement, I’m kind of ambivalent. I don’t think there is much, but I guess that even a little bit’s better than none at all! It’s a bit tough to come to terms with my skill level but what can ya do, really. Just gotta git gud, after all…no other way but to keep at it.
And so, with that in mind…resolutions for 2016!